How do I get my Kids To Listen Without Yelling? While many of us parents yell from time to time as a means to get their kids to listen to them, it’s not a proven method that works as an overall tactic.
How to Get Your Kids to Listen without Yelling
How do I know this? Well, as embarrassed as I am to admit it. I am a yeller and it’s something that I’ve been working on for a long time.
You see, my parents were yellers and it’s all I knew.
So unconsciously I also believed that I had to yell at my kids to get their attention, discipline them, or have them clean up their rooms.
The fact is, I found out that the more I yelled. The less they listened to me.
Getting kids to listen without yelling involves a few simple steps, a positive attitude, and lots of patience. I mean a whole lot of patience!
Are you with me?
I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. Especially if you’ve been a yeller for a long period, but it certainly can get done.
You can get your kids, tweens, and teens to listen without yelling or losing your temper; it’s all a matter of practicing this handful of tips.
When I say practice, I truly mean practice. This will not happen overnight.
You will begin seeing changes in yourself, the way you handle situations, and how your children respond to you.
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Are you still with me?
Then let’s get started on working on some of these tips that will help you turn things around in your home.
Setting Clear Expectations And Boundaries
One of the biggest reasons as parents we begin yelling at our kids is simply a means to get them to, well, listen to us.
Unfortunately, the yelling usually starts because we haven’t set forth clear expectations of what we are asking of our kids.
Sit down with your kids and explain to them what is expected of them daily in your home.
Start with the chore lists, homework, attitude, and being respectful. All of these are situations that could avoid conflict as long as their expectations are stated clearly.
Kids learn quickly where the gray areas are and how they can get away with things.
Your kids probably have learned when you’re most tired and try to pull stunts during that time.
I know my girls have and oh, boy do they know exactly when mommy is at her most vulnerable!
No matter what, stand firm with your expectations and your child will learn what is expected of them.
If you struggle to keep those boundaries consistent, create a poster board that goes up in the family room so that everyone, including you, can always see these expectations.
The poster board will help everyone stay consistent and in check when needed.
Some clear expectations and boundaries examples:
- No electronics until the homework is finished
- Bedtime is at a specific time
- Reading 30 minutes before bed
- Chores expected to be finished before dinner
Discuss Consequences
I don’t know about your kids, but my girls are not a fan of consequences, but man do they work!
One of the easiest ways to get your kids to listen without yelling is communication and this all starts with consequences.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
-George Bernard Shaw
Sit down with your kids to discuss adverse reactions and consequences of their actions, not only will they learn what is asked of them, but the consequences if they don’t follow these expectations.
Most likely the yelling will slowly disappear.
Keeping open communication with your kids at an age-appropriate level will help minimize any negativity and misbehaving in your household quicker than any other method of discipline.
Consistency Is Key
Have you ever noticed when kids are on a routine or schedule they thrive?
Well, that’s because kids, tweens, and teens all need consistency in their lives.
Staying consistent about the expectations you have set in place is important to show kids we mean business.
Empty threats are exactly that. Empty!
Our kids know by now if we are going to follow through with a threat or reaction.
How many times have you told your child that you’re going to take away their electronics if they don’t clean their room, but then two hours later they are still sitting with their iPad on the hill of dirty clothes?
Believe Mama, I know that it seems so much easier at the moment to just let it go this one time, but I promise you that a few hours is going to turn into a few days and then a few weeks.
Do you know what the worst part is? The fact that we have now not followed through with our word and our kids no longer can trust us.
Yup! As hard as that may be, it’s the truth.
If you feel your temper rising, before blurting out that your child is never leaving their room until it’s cleaned (I mean can you imagine calling your child’s school “Yes, hi this is Mrs. Armijo, my daughter is grounded forever until her room is cleaned so she will not be at school today. I will update you tomorrow morning if she no longer is grounded. That is if she cleans her room”) walk away for a few seconds and get your thoughts together.
We’re not perfect and sometimes we just need a moment to think.
You Can Be Firm Without Being Mean
One of the things that I truly had to learn was that I can be firm without being mean to my daughters when getting them to listen.
I can use a stern voice and mean business while still making sure that they know I love them.
Again, not the way I grew up, so something I had to work on as well. That is not easy to admit.
Sometimes it was just easier to call my daughter a slob because she wasn’t cleaning her room. Instead of just explaining to her why her room was expected to be clean and how much happier it would make her.
Now I try to explain to my girls why they are expected to do certain tasks and try to end it with “It’s because I love you”.
This gets a positive reaction from them, which then turns into them just finishing whatever the task that was asked of them without any more arguing.
Listen To Your Kids
One of the things we do as parents is abusing our parental role.
Why should you listen to your child? They are the child, and you’re the parent. Right?
I know exactly where you’re coming from, but the truth is our kids need someone to listen to them as much as we do.
You need to create a line of communication with your kids at an early age when something is genuinely wrong you are the first person they would want to talk with.
If your child is not listening when you are disciplining, sit down with them and ask them if there is anything they want to share with you.
Listen to them and give them advice as needed.
I will be honest, the majority of the time my oldest daughter was giving me attitude when I tried to get her to do chores because she needed someone to listen to her.
It’s made a huge difference in her listening skills and our relationship as mother and daughter.
Don’t just scream your head off because they are just not doing what is expected of them at that moment. For all you know, they just need someone to talk about something that has been on their mind or bothering them.
How do you expect your child to listen to you if you’re not teaching them to listen?
Again, communication is key!
Encourage By Celebrating Small Wins
Getting your kids to listen without yelling should be celebrated!
If they cleaned their room without even being asked, simply acknowledge it and tell them what a great job they did.
Did they finish homework earlier than expected? Take them out for ice cream as a treat.
Encouraging small wins in your home will not only encourage your child to keep up with what is expected of them, but it will create a stronger bond between your child and yourself.
Examine Why You Yell
Lastly, to follow all of these tips above on how to get your kids to listen without yelling is to examine why you yell.
Pause for a minute to write down the last time you yelled at your kids.
Do this for an entire day. Take notes of when those times were, the day, the reason for yelling, and the actual outcome of the moment.
Figure out what triggers you to yell and what triggers your children not to listen.
If you can examine why you yell, you’ll soon be able to minimize that response to the situations that trigger you to yell at your kids automatically.
Writing it down and seeing it on paper sometimes helps with the visualization aspect of a yelling parent. Having it on paper will allow you to specifically see how much or how little you loosely yell at your children.
This can be a rude awakening for many parents. I know it was for me!
You might even realize that the reason your kids, tweens, or teens aren’t listening is the way you are communicating with them.
List Of Parenting Resources
If you’re looking for some great resource books for communicating with your child and getting them to listen check out this list of books on Amazon.
These tips are a good starting point to get you going in the right direction when it comes to getting your kids to listen without yelling.
Yelling is merely a learned response that you either grew up thinking or used when you are stressed out.
It seems to be the quickest response to get your kid’s attention immediately, but it’s not.
Remember, there are other ways to get your kids to listen; the first step is to set clear expectations and boundaries within your home, follow through with consequences then discuss those consequences so that your kids know what to expect.
Sit down and communicate with your kids, you never know if they need someone to talk to.
Lastly, learn what makes you yell at your kids and work to minimize that as your instant response.
Parenting doesn’t have to feel lonely! We’re in this together!
More Parenting Resources You Might Enjoy:
What are some ways you encourage your kids to listen without yelling?
*First published on January 2020*
This is one thing I’ve been working on a lot. My son is young but it seems sometimes like yelling is the only thing that gets his attention. I feel like ive set clear expectations but enjoyed reading your article and getting some new tips.
I know exactly what you mean!