Living With Breast Cancer As a Mom {Part 1}

I’ve been wanting to share my story for sometime now and have written so many posts to share with you all, but it just didn’t seem like the right time. My heart wasn’t completely in it. I don’t know if I was still in denial or not talking about it would make this nightmare go away, but the answer finally came to me yesterday. As I took a shower I broke down emotionally contemplating on todays doctors appointment and what will hopefully be my last chemo treatment ever. I knew I needed to share how I’ve been Living with Breast Cancer As A Mom. 

Living With Breast Cancer As a Mom {Part 1}

Part 1: Finding It And Being Diagnosed

The first question everyone asks me when they find out I have breast cancer is, “how did you find out”? Well, the truth is that I found out myself while taking a shower. At first I dismissed it as nothing, but as the weeks went by it became painful. so painful that it was hard for me to wear a bra. I knew that I needed to get it checked out. The entire month of July was filled with scans, biopsies, and tests.

Then on July 28th, 2016….

As I got the phone call from the doctor who had performed my biopsy, I thought things would have been okay. Until she informed me that she needed to talk to me in person. Right there I knew something wasn’t right. “I’m on my way” I told her as I scrambled to call family and friends to watch our girls for us. All I kept thinking was, if it was bad news I didn’t want my girls there.

On the way I remember texting my younger sister telling her what had happened, “it’s nothing” she said. “You will see, stay positive!” A billion thoughts went through my head, but as the doctor spoke to us in a calming voice, a little bit of me still had hoped that nothing was wrong. It’s just procedure I kept telling myself. Then I heard the words I was dreading the most, “It’s breast cancer” she said. Right there and then the world I knew fell beneath me. They say you see your life flash before your eyes… well I did! I saw a life with my girls growing up without a mother and my husband raising two girls on his own. I saw this in just a matter of seconds. 

To say I was in shock is an understatement. Tears finally started rolling down my face as my dear husband asked if I was okay. I could see that he too was crying, which just made it hurt more. I felt as if I was watching myself and my husband take in the news.  The doctor went through procedures and a lot of details I honestly wasn’t paying attention too. As she spoke to us, I quietly grabbed my phone to text my sister. All the text said was “it’s cancer!!!!”. 

“We have to act fast and make an appointment  with your oncologists” my doctor proceeded. Oncologists? Already? I needed some time to process, time to think. Maybe the results were wrong. Maybe these weren’t my test results. I needed time to come up with some other way to make all of this go away.

Right there and then we scheduled the appointment. All while I pushed back tears trying to get my insurance information over the phone. Far away I could hear my husband ask again if I was okay? “Do you want me to take over?” I shook my head. I thought that if I took care of it like I did everything else they will see this is a mistake. I couldn’t possibly have breast cancer!! It doesn’t even run in my family! How could this be?!

My family had a surprise breast cancer party for me before starting chemo. I’m in the middle surrounded by all of my siblings!

As we waited for paperwork and results of my biopsy for my oncologists, my husband got a phone call offering him a new amazing job he had just interviewed for. Funny how things happen in mysterious ways. This job was needed more than we knew at the time. 

On the drive home I called my mom to tell her the news. I knew that she would be expecting my phone call as soon as I left the doctors. I delivered the devastating news to my mom as I sat quiet on the other end of the phone “How could this happen? Cancer doesn’t run in our family”. “Well now it does mom”, was all I could muster. I knew that she was hurting, but was keeping it all in for my sake. 

I just stared out the window, watching the world go by. Thinking that I might not be apart of it for long. Again, I thought of our girls. How are we suppose to tell them? Do we even tell them? What would happen throughout all of this? How was I suppose to homeschool? So many unanswered questions and I didn’t want to deal with any of them! Now now!

As the weeks went by I felt like a test subject. I went from never going to the doctors to having 4 doctors over night. I was probed, tested, and poked at ever single appointment. I went from being very shy about showing my body to having to show my breasts at every appointment, every doctor, nurse, and specialist. After all the testing I found out I had Stage 2 Triple Negative Breast Cancer.

As the shock subsided other emotions were replaced. There were days that I had to leave the dinner table to sob in my room, other days I was just mad at the world! I was riding a roller coaster and I wanted off!!!! I still want off, but I know that I will get through this and one day it will come to an end. Then… my hair started falling off! I literally moved my hair from my face and there it was in my hand. How could this be happening to me? I felt as if this was the million dollar question! As if things weren’t hard enough, now I needed to be a mom with cancer and no hair. Sadly I always considered it to be my best feature and I was going to lose that too. I felt as if slowly I was losing parts of myself I never thought could happen. It’s just hair, I kept telling myself. In all honestly, this is when it truly hit me. I HAVE CANCER AND IT SUCKS!!!!! 

When my hair started falling out I decided to take matters into my own hands. Well my families!

A lot of decisions needed to be made and quickly as the chemo started. At the time I was homeschooling my girls. My oldest who is in first grade and my youngest in Pre-K. After a month of contemplating on what to do, we decided that it would be good for my health and my girls to attend school outside of the home. So, we enrolled our youngest in VPK at a private school where luckily two of my friends became her teachers. My oldest wasn’t as lucky, because of the late enrollment into the public school system she was assigned to a title one school in our area. Lucky for us the school and teachers have been amazingly supportive. This decision of enrolling my daughters into a school literally landed me a day at the hospital. The stress was way too much with the chemo in my body. 

I honestly felt like a failure as a parent. Homeschooling wasn’t something that I intended to do from the beginning, but it just became apart of our life. I felt that I was letting my daughters down by making such a huge change in their lives. First cancer and now attending a new school. I later found out that this decision was harder for me to make. My daughters on the other hand fit right in and loved every second of being in school with friends. I know now that this was the best decision for them and for my health. 

Cancer is now a daily battle! I’m a mother and I have to live with cancer, but I know it’s a battle I will win in the end!!! If not, then at least I will go down fighting! It hasn’t been easy and I still have a long road ahead of me, but cancer is just apart of who I am at this moment, but this moment won’t last long. It will NEVER have me. 

I have been lucky to have the most supportive family and friends. In all honesty, if it weren’t for them I probably wouldn’t have this outlook on cancer. This has been by far the most difficult event in my life and believe me I’ve gone through a few. This is something that has not just affected me, but my husband, children, and family as well. 

My first chemo

As of now I have had 15 rounds of chemo and today marks my 16th. My last chemo for now. I’m expected to go through surgery sometime early next month and then radiation. To say my life has changed in a huge way doesn’t even begin to explain. Not only has my body gone through tons of changes, but emotionally and mentally as well. When I look in the mirror I don’t see the same person I saw just last year and I know it’s only temporary, but as everyone I am human. 

Things have also changed for the better, if that could actually happen. My sister and I have become the closest we have ever been. If you knew us you would totally understand. Our relationship went from not speaking, to talking every single day. My family and husband have been there every step of the way, but she really has become my other half throughout all of this. Without cancer I wouldn’t have the sister that I have now. For that I am grateful. 

If there is one thing that I can leave you with today, is the fact that you need to get checked out. Please, please do self check ups monthly and if you feel anything abnormal make an appointment to get it checked out. Here’s a guide from the Breast Cancer Center. 

One day again I will have my long hair back, I won’t be tired all the time, and my body will go back to normal. For now I will take it day by day and know that I am blessed by all those who surround me with their love! I will live my life to the fullest and have no regrets!